Here's how we got to where we are today, which is me no longer breastfeeding either baby, and only pumping milk when I can during the day to feed it to Jack:
As
soon as I was able, my babies were brought to me for feeding. Jack was
dropped into my arms and the nurse asked if I knew what I was doing.
"Um...in theory, yes. Practically? No."
So
she helped, and it magically seemed to work. And then Bobby came over
and the same thing happened. And all was right with the world. I was
going to be super breastfeeding Mom of twins! Without much effort! I
ruled.
But
over the next few hours, things became more challenging. Every shift
change brought a new nurse who told me to do something different and the
lactation consultant had different opinions than them. The babies
didn't seem to latch on all of the time and after feedings they seemed
hungry. I was assured that they didn't need to eat much in the first
few days, and to just relax. A breast pump was brought in and I was
instructed to pump after every feeding. So I started breastfeeding one
baby for as long as they would drink and then I'd switch to the other
baby. Then I'd pump for as long as I could stand it. And by the time I
was done, it was time to start over. It was quite honestly, hell.
Especially during the early morning feedings, and especially because my
babies were getting hungrier. My milk hadn't yet fully come in so even
though they didn't need a lot, they did need more than I could give.
This is when the guilt first began. Not being able to give my children
what they needed really made me feel horrible. Still, I was told not to
worry, that we'd still be OK. The next lactation consultant
recommended we begin supplementing with formula just until my milk came
in fully, to ensure the babies got enough to eat.
And
I believe this was the beginning of the downfall. I think that if I
had more help in the hospital (there was a major baby boom the weekend
we were in the hospital, and the lactation consultants and nurses were
overbooked.) I could have maybe gotten over the hump and I may have been
able to breast feed at least one baby exclusively. That said, we can't
go back and change the past, and the day we were released from the
hospital began to change everything anyway.
As
you know, we were rushing to get out of the hospital so we could beat
the blizzard. We were rushing around, signing paperwork, packing bags,
getting releases and making arrangements for the hotel. We were also
dressing our babies for the first time in clothes that were WAY too big
(our babies needed preemie clothes for the first three weeks.
Surprise!) and dealing with massive amounts of spit up coming from
Bobby. Our little guy seemed to all of a sudden go from eating champ
(he started out being a better eater than his older, bigger brother) to
being a vomit rocket. After every feeding it seemed that he threw up
his entire bottle, and considering he had already lost weight (normal)
and that he started out small (5# 4oz), I was worried. Before we left
the hospital I asked the nurse about it and she assured me that it was
perfectly normal and that I should just hold him upright for a little
longer after feeding.
...and
so for two days, that's what we did. But in my heart, I knew something
was wrong. At his checkup a couple of days later, he'd lost even more
weight. He wasn't looking well either. He was pale and was starting to
look sick. Still, the doctor asked us to increase his intake (counter
intuitive, no?) and to bring him back in a couple of days for another
weight check.
Increased
intake equals increased output. Everything we put into our little guy
seemed to immediately come back up. He only seemed to be able to handle
10-15 milliliters without getting sick. By his next weight check, he'd
lost 15% of his body weight and was dangerously underweight. The
doctor on call thankfully was not as optimistic as our pediatrician, and
she sent us immediately to the ER in the Boston Children's Hospital.
Our sweet Bobby in his hospital gown in the ER
3 comments:
You are a wonderful Mom! We all have guilt at one point or another. I can't impress enough, go with your gut, and stick with it. And you, new Mommy, are doing just that. Keep up the good work. We love you! <3
I concur with N Ferris. You are a wonderful mom and we ALL feel guilt about something or other. I was right there with you on the breastfeeding. I was all gung ho and prepared to go for it with all my might. And my milk never fully came in. I was producing so little that even the lactation consultants gave up on us. Maks' pediatrician put it to me this way when I was crying in her office "I was formula fed, you were formula fed and we both turned out fine."
You are with your babies every day. You know them, their habits, what's right and what's not. Keep going with your gut and it will all be OK.
Thank you Nancy and Jen!
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